Stress Induced -- Checked

Had public speaking class earlier today. I fell off short on time. =( When I rehearsed, I was in the supposed time range. =( Oh well.....very disappointed. Screw my fast pace of talking..shiate!

Then, she brief us through our upcoming tasks and boy, I'm left with a spinning head and numbness through my soul. My schedule was already brutally packed and now, worst and sadly, it's going to get a whole lot worst. I'm not kidding. Want to know what's left for me this month until the end of semester?? =D Oh joy, I'll share.

16th March - CSC tutorial
17th March - Biology test
18th March - Got to hand in public speaking's 1st major presentation outline & my last micropresentation takes place
23rd March - CSC assignment due
24th March - Economics test
25th March - Public speaking 1st major presentation
26th March - Biology Quiz
1st April - Probably Public speaking 2nd major presentation

Somewhere in between would be another CSC test and tutorial. Economics presentation is between the end of March and beginning of April.

So, there you go. The taste of American Degree Transfer Program is explicitly succulent. Yum!! Really give my life that extra pint of greatness. Aaaahhh.... "Jolly wolly olly"

Time is of essence now!! Ok.. breathe breathe. I need ice-cream now to calm my nerves. Intimart, here I come!

Sincere Truth

Update 5.19pm (18 Jan) : All confusions are cleared. It's a meager misunderstanding....I don't know how to say this right but deep down, I'm actually really really glad that we're friends once more... All you guys who had heard or read stuff, it's really nothing anymore.

Update 12.50am(15 Jan) : I am seriously baffled. I do not know what's true and what's not now once again.I'm sorry. I'm confuse. I'm so grateful Blackie and my bro are here for me when I am in great need of them. XOXO!! I don't want extra clarification anymore. I rather ignore it as that made me not mind anything anymore and start new. I just don't want to recall those depressing moment which I've decided to let go last year but it hurts having to recapture it again and to found out new stuffs. What the hell!! I just don't want to ever talk about it as I do not want to be torn in between again. She was my friend and others are my friends as well. Why I trust this and not that is really disturbing. Everybody were new. How was I to know. I was so hurt as I've heard so much for so long even if it wasn't true. Sigh... This post rends me into pieces.

Update 12.45pm (14th Jan) : I am so emotionally tired and muddled. It's all coming back to me again, I don't know why. The whole 2 hours in Public Speaking class, I couldn't restrain myself from thinking about the whole thing. Sigh...maybe it's the lack of sleep. toodles!

I know it's lengthy and verbose but just read on.

We, humans are fallible. We are subject to trial and error to learn stuff but sometimes we have our own perception to stuff or other times, we subconsciously or consciously just want to pick up negative stuffs and ignore all positives just to spice things up. That's human nature and it's pretty difficult to defy our nature,is it not?

I am actually a very gullible person which makes me very insecure and self conscious if you haven't already noticed. Therefore, what I hear people say about me matters a lot. In my case, words are the most powerful and easiest tool to break me. Honestly. I'm slowly learning the ways to ignore rumors, my utmost fear. That's why I always prefer to stay really hidden and low profile. I may come off as antisocial and arrogant but it really isn't intentional.....I've heard that a lot and I was numbed by that long ago. I just suck at socializing.

Anyway, I'm slowly patching up with my flaw of believing every single thing I hear especially those that concerns me. Last semester was a delirium not only to myself but to the person involved. I've had time to reflect during the holidays and realize how idiotic I was to see so heavily of the small matter. It was merely a minuscule misunderstanding which I avoided to solve entirely, instead, I kind of ran away from it and let it haunt us for the entire semester of which I truly regret.

The first friendship I made here went awry. We were really close friends and you've seriously no idea how caring she was to me and I really appreciate every single bit of it. I constantly tell my parents and Blackie how nice she is but apparently, something went wrong.

I started hearing that she had said some bad things about me to others for more than a month. I was so saddened by all that and I was focusing too much on all those negative stuffs and that severely got the better of me. I was stuck in a rut at that point, my self consciousness got a firm grip of me. I shut down what I knew about her attitude and was lured into believing all those I heard. I know how rumors always get exaggerated and twisted, yet, I blindly believed them. I sincerely took time to think back, and I realize how foolish I was last semester. I've made life hard for myself. Honestly, I haven't known her for a very long time yet and my other good friends told me what they heard. I was torn in between but because I heard it from a few friends not only one so, I ended up believing the rumors but I didn't listen to her part of the story. It was a puzzling situation and I guessed I didn't quite maneuvered the correct way.

Honestly, I was a tad selfish as I was so engrossed in only my own feelings. I kept thinking about how sad and hurt I was but I neglected how she felt about the matter. She was definitely feeling the same as we were both best of friends here in the beginning. We trusted each other so much and I really enjoyed her company.She gave me a sense of home. After those rumors stroke, all I did was constantly think about myself and no one else. This is where Prof. Borges's theory of ME ME ME applies. I kept thinking about all that I heard over and over again;cried over and over too everytime Blackie asks me how I'm doing. I realize how foolish of an act it was and I really apologize on the parts where I'm at fault. In one of my posts last year,I depicted as though she was the only one at fault but the truth is we're both at fault.

In every problem, both parties have a fair share of wrongdoings. Think about it and you'll find that very true but the thing is we tend to push the blame to the other party and ended up hurting each other more and more. In the very end, we're the one who are at loss. Everyone of you are just the audience who are in it for the entertainment and thrill but you couldn't care less about what's happening to those involved. You might show sympathy or empathy but deep down, you are really just in for the entertainment and you might find it really nice to spread around and make things even worse for those involved in a particular problem.

We both kind of felt sorry towards each other up till the point that it was difficult to face each other. Perhaps it was the guilt that laid inside us. We then avoided each other thinking we dislike seeing each other which isn't the case. She's not around because she thinks I do not want to see her;I don't see her around so I thought she disliked seeing me. Things get that much more complicated and muddling when you don't sit down and clarify all the misunderstandings as we jump to our own conclusions causing miscommunication.

It's a new year, a new semester, why let the past haunt us and bring us down once more?? We've clarified everything. Those of you who follow my blog or coincidentally stumble upon the post which I blabber about the friendships that I cannot comprehend, I want you all to know that I wrote that out of rage and frustration. I didn't weigh both sides of the story well instead I just picked up the negatives . I sincerely apologize for the lack of rationality and practicality. I'm really immature, I'm extremely aware of that so, I just cannot control my thoughts when I'm upset. All that I could think of are the bad stuffs which then, beleaguered me with negative thoughts in times of distress and at that point, I couldn't take it anymore so I just blurted all that was running through my mind so as I could end it once and for all. I didn't want to burden and worry other people by bringing up the story and they'd have to comfort me and all so, I just blog about it. My blog is my personal ranting ground and I never knew they are actually people other than my Kuching close friends reading it.

For those of you who are making a big fuss over that particular post regarding friendship, that's just the negative side of the story which I heard but seriously, all that I jotted down were what I really heard back then.I'm not adding rotten condiments into it. Be aware that those I heard were rumors, and I'm sure all of you knows how thickly fabricated rumors are. I didn't bother to filter them when I blogged about it and it's presumptuous for you guys to judge us and jump into your own conclusions. I really despise it when certain people think badly of another based on hearsay. I find that really unfair. You should get to know a person before you judge what kind of a person she or he is.

Gossiping is inevitable but gossips can be made within your own close circle of friends. There's no need to pass the message around to every complex living organism especially when you do not know how true it is.

I'm only human with many flaws and I'm slowly learning to not care of what others think of me but care only about the thoughts of those who are dear to me.

Do not always believe what you hear. There's always always always two sides to every story and it's only fair that you weigh both if you're keen to intervene or else, just stay away and don't be judgmental.

Last semester is history, lesson learned, life goes on anew, want to reconcile with what I didn't back then which includes studies,eating and spending habits. Gosh, I've taken my life so lightly last semester. Forgive me, I was new to the whole living far from home thing and I am parasitically dependent on my parents..still am..hehe...

Anyway, I've voiced out everything and all that I mentioned are truly sincerely genuinely from the bottom of my heart. This is what I feel now.

I know how I like to always think negatively and ignore those good things we've been through and that gave Blackie a couple of hard times. haha...

Blackie always say that the one mistake he made can immediately overshadow the 10 nice things he did. That's true. See, I told you we tend to recall only the bad and seldom of the good.

I wish all is ok now. Could bygones really be bygones??

Life Is The Greatest Gift

I'm really old school for knowing this news so late. I just found out this news yesterday after I stumbled upon this post. Read it guys!

It's about this 12 year old girl named Alvina who had cancer but manage to score 5As for her UPSR. She had stopped schooling since July and from then, it was all self study and she sat for the exam in the hospital. Amazing isn't it for being able to score straight A's for public exam amidst all those painful chemotherapy treatments and drowsy drugs. However, she had recently passed away. My deepest condolences to her family.

I would never dare to imagine myself in that position because I know I wouldn't have the strength to retaliate those merciless cells. Back when I was in Primary 6, I had no health problems but I only managed to scoop 4As. See, how amazing that girl is. What would you have done if you were in her shoes?? Fight or flee??

I read her sister's blog and it was full of touching sentiments. I find her really strong. I tried putting myself in her shoes and I really wouldn't be able to cope if I had lost my sister. *Choi choi* *Touch wood* I cannot lose Annie baby....we've sworn to be best friends forever and ever and thumb stamped our pinky promise already. =D I love you, Ann!!

That post I mentioned earlier was such an enlightenment. I reflected on how I had lived my life. I pretty much am wasting my life for endlessly focusing and complaining about my flaws. Seriously got to kill that habit. I am overly self conscious and I hate that to bits but it's so difficult to change. Sigh... If there's a will, there's a way right? I know I know but I only know how to use that quote, not practice it.

Are you living life to the fullest?? Daily vicissitudes make anything possible and any day could surprisingly be our last.

Anyway, read these to know more.
http://www.easterntimes.com.my/index.php?news_id=1&news_content=9560
http://www.nst.com.my/Friday/National/2414076/Article/index_html

I'm Debilitated

I'm sitting down languidly in fatigue..PfffTtttt.... it's been a hectic week....assignments came pouring in one after another... deadlines racing up.. exams showing their cunning fists... my heart palpitate to the madness ticks of the clock; insinuating the shortage of time. Oh God,help me.

I just sat for my Sociology test this morning. Relieved that it's over. But, last night was a hell of a bleak moment. Damn it! When I got back here on Wednesday evening, I had to do my previous week's Biology report in unrelenting alacrity. It was tedious and if I was to be left without munificent help from my friends, I swear I'd be stripped off my own skin and left to wallow in distress. Amid that, I had to complete my ENL assignment to be handed in the very next day(Thursday). I saw my brother online and without vacillating, I asked him to do my assignment. He did and I'm super thankful but it just doesn't comply with all those painstaking criteria wanted by my teacher for academic writing. So, I ended up doing it on my own. Headed to bed only at 4.45am and woke up at 7+ for class.

Yesterday, I had to rush through 4 chappies of Sociology to prepare for the test today. I read through all those chappies before but somehow they all seem so foreign when I went through once again. It took me like 2 hours for each chapter. I don't have 8 hours for revision!! Besides, my biology report was still hanging dreadfully on thin air. Grimace colored my face last night. I absolutely abhor my inexorable fate last night. My mind was so screwed thinking of socio and bio and failure. Shhooooshhh....sickening.... Fatin would come talk to me at intervals telling me relax and joke a little to bring me some solace and Anna would tell me what I can omit and what I should take note. I love both of them. In the end, I managed to revised 3 chappies although it's more like regurgitating what I read...no time to understand it...Report completed too.. PheeWwww.... The remaining chapter,I just flipped through to comfort myself a little but nothing came out from that chapter. Yay! Totally comforted. hehe... The test is pretty scary because I don't know what archetypal answers the professor is looking for and sociology is an extremely ambiguous subject to me cause personal perspective is of high importance and numbskull me got minimal common sense.haha... I feel that my answers are always vacuous and mundane. I don't know la... sigh... I hope I did ok... but people say this professor's marking is strict and there's scarcely anybody who can score well. Oh yea, I slept at 5.40am and woke up at 7am. You feel my grief??

Fatin captured the moment.

The ludicrous book

Biology assignment is calling out for me now...Upon completing one Bio report,I have a new one to work on...wonderful isn't it? And I have to polish up on my calculus..exam this coming Wednesday. SAT verbal and maths awaits..exam's next Monday. BUT BUT BUT... after these pain in the neck, I'm going home!!! It's term break... yay!!! So, I shall tenaciously persevere through these banes. But...(I detest buts) I would have to study during the holidays for the incoming Biology test.

It's not complacency

I'm in a predicament of time shortage but I'm fully cognizant of the fact that it was I who dragged myself to this abyss.

Everyday I see people around me diligently and meticulously facing piles of papers or books and stuffing knowledge into their heads, but I,being the inveterate compulsive lazy procrastinator that I am, haven't started anything and I swear it's not because of complacency. Those of you who know me,knows I'm a diffident who lacks self confidence in basically everything I do right? So,my laziness to study like the rest isn't because of self-satisfaction ok. I just don't know how and where to start. This is when I really miss all my procrastinator-last-minute-friends back in school especially Isabel. We both are always like partners in crime who were so scared to see people start studying but we were just too lazy to start. Here,I can't find anybody like that.

I feel so small here surrounded by both smart and hardworking people. I feel like I'm not at par with the other scholars. There I go again right belittling myself. Gosh...I wish there's somebody who can help boost my self confidence. I don't know why I'm always so lack of confidence and I really despise that part of me to the very core! It's really very daunting to be here. hehehe... people here really smart laaa and I'm so hahahaha....mediocre. Ok,there's a 16A1 scholar here and rumored to be number 2 in Malaysia. Cool right? And he's actually not bad looking as in not at all nerdy,bookish or meek. And Penang number 3 is here too according to my friend's source. and lots others who are holders of lots of A's. Quite a few really outspoken people here too...you know those that loves dominating the class... errmm...there are some bigots here as well. haha... really interesting. But it's really obvious that there're lots of assiduous and tenacious people here. I really want to be like that you know. Really... I want to do well in exams... I want to know the answers when pointed a question. I want to excel...but I can't seem to find the will and optimism. Sigh...

About the time shortage that I mentioned earlier... it's because I've homeworks yet to be completed...I've lots of stuff to understand and memorize. My SAT mock test is on 18th August. I need to score at least 1800/2400 for that test. I find that tough... I'm not very proficient in english which worries me. A month to prepare is too short a time but worst of all I still haven't started. For my sociology class, my lecturer just browse through the subtopics and after a bunch of his stories,he calls it a day leaving me all blurry and trying to fix the jigsaw puzzle;thinking how his stories relate to the chapter. So,I should read up when I get back right? I always planned to but it ended up merely a plan;a yet to be implemented plan. I'm really pretty doomed right?

I vowed to study tomorrow but this is all too familiar. I say this to myself everyday ever since who knows when. Too many years ago.

I may seem nonchalant, but deep down, fear is racing up and down around my nervous system but I still cannot bring myself to start doing something about it.


nyways...gotta head to bed.... Goodnight

XOXO

Life ain't easy

I now really really understand that life absolutely isn't a bed of roses.. As you get older,you have more stuff to worry about...stuff which you never thought you'd need to worry about ever... When I was younger,I thought life was really good and easy...no worries,no sweat..I finally understand the harshness of life though it's kinda just the beginning of a more mature life for me..

You used to be able to get most of the stuff you want when you wanted it before because those stuff are within your parents reach... As you get older,toys and other miscellaneous isn't exactly your priority in your I-want list.. But good education for a promising future... Well,that's what I think... I really really want to have the best education I can get my hands on without putting a heavy load on my parents back as topnotch universities are freaking blarrrdy darn expensive.. But I find myself unable to do so now... Damn it! Is it my fault I can't?.. Am I not good enough I wonder...What would happen to my future if I just get education in mediocre universities/colleges where people are always saying the teachers aren't experienced enough causing student's to obtain just average results..I know most of you would be thinking if you are hardworking enough,you'll get good results regardless... But I believe teachers do play an important role..if they teach you the wrong techniques to answer questions,how do you score in exam?? Gosh I'm worried...

Why?

I failed to get JPA scholarship. I'm gonna breakdown n go insane. Why oh why... I was elated the day I got my SPM results but that results didn't get me anywhere...It only got me to the school opposite my ex-school for Form 6. And found out many that didn't get straight A1's happily secure scholarships. I'm not referring to anybody in particular ok..It's just what I see and heard. I'm very envious of them and thinking what good had my results done for me other than temporary happiness?? This is literally the WORST day of my life. I've never felt such excruciating pain ever! I'm so disappointed in myself... Oh well..just my luck... be grateful you're not me.