Update 5.19pm (18 Jan) : All confusions are cleared. It's a meager misunderstanding....I don't know how to say this right but deep down, I'm actually really really glad that we're friends once more... All you guys who had heard or read stuff, it's really nothing anymore.
Update 12.50am(15 Jan) : I am seriously baffled. I do not know what's true and what's not now once again.I'm sorry. I'm confuse. I'm so grateful Blackie and my bro are here for me when I am in great need of them. XOXO!! I don't want extra clarification anymore. I rather ignore it as that made me not mind anything anymore and start new. I just don't want to recall those depressing moment which I've decided to let go last year but it hurts having to recapture it again and to found out new stuffs. What the hell!! I just don't want to ever talk about it as I do not want to be torn in between again. She was my friend and others are my friends as well. Why I trust this and not that is really disturbing. Everybody were new. How was I to know. I was so hurt as I've heard so much for so long even if it wasn't true. Sigh... This post rends me into pieces.
Update 12.45pm (14th Jan) : I am so emotionally tired and muddled. It's all coming back to me again, I don't know why. The whole 2 hours in Public Speaking class, I couldn't restrain myself from thinking about the whole thing. Sigh...maybe it's the lack of sleep. toodles!
I know it's lengthy and verbose but just read on.
We, humans are fallible. We are subject to trial and error to learn stuff but sometimes we have our own perception to stuff or other times, we subconsciously or consciously just want to pick up negative stuffs and ignore all positives just to spice things up. That's human nature and it's pretty difficult to defy our nature,is it not?
I am actually a very gullible person which makes me very insecure and self conscious if you haven't already noticed. Therefore, what I hear people say about me matters a lot. In my case, words are the most powerful and easiest tool to break me. Honestly. I'm slowly learning the ways to ignore rumors, my utmost fear. That's why I always prefer to stay really hidden and low profile. I may come off as antisocial and arrogant but it really isn't intentional.....I've heard that a lot and I was numbed by that long ago. I just suck at socializing.
Anyway, I'm slowly patching up with my flaw of believing every single thing I hear especially those that concerns me. Last semester was a delirium not only to myself but to the person involved. I've had time to reflect during the holidays and realize how idiotic I was to see so heavily of the small matter. It was merely a minuscule misunderstanding which I avoided to solve entirely, instead, I kind of ran away from it and let it haunt us for the entire semester of which I truly regret.
The first friendship I made here went awry. We were really close friends and you've seriously no idea how caring she was to me and I really appreciate every single bit of it. I constantly tell my parents and Blackie how nice she is but apparently, something went wrong.
I started hearing that she had said some bad things about me to others for more than a month. I was so saddened by all that and I was focusing too much on all those negative stuffs and that severely got the better of me. I was stuck in a rut at that point, my self consciousness got a firm grip of me. I shut down what I knew about her attitude and was lured into believing all those I heard. I know how rumors always get exaggerated and twisted, yet, I blindly believed them. I sincerely took time to think back, and I realize how foolish I was last semester. I've made life hard for myself. Honestly, I haven't known her for a very long time yet and my other good friends told me what they heard. I was torn in between but because I heard it from a few friends not only one so, I ended up believing the rumors but I didn't listen to her part of the story. It was a puzzling situation and I guessed I didn't quite maneuvered the correct way.
Honestly, I was a tad selfish as I was so engrossed in only my own feelings. I kept thinking about how sad and hurt I was but I neglected how she felt about the matter. She was definitely feeling the same as we were both best of friends here in the beginning. We trusted each other so much and I really enjoyed her company.She gave me a sense of home. After those rumors stroke, all I did was constantly think about myself and no one else. This is where Prof. Borges's theory of ME ME ME applies. I kept thinking about all that I heard over and over again;cried over and over too everytime Blackie asks me how I'm doing. I realize how foolish of an act it was and I really apologize on the parts where I'm at fault. In one of my posts last year,I depicted as though she was the only one at fault but the truth is we're both at fault.
In every problem, both parties have a fair share of wrongdoings. Think about it and you'll find that very true but the thing is we tend to push the blame to the other party and ended up hurting each other more and more. In the very end, we're the one who are at loss. Everyone of you are just the audience who are in it for the entertainment and thrill but you couldn't care less about what's happening to those involved. You might show sympathy or empathy but deep down, you are really just in for the entertainment and you might find it really nice to spread around and make things even worse for those involved in a particular problem.
We both kind of felt sorry towards each other up till the point that it was difficult to face each other. Perhaps it was the guilt that laid inside us. We then avoided each other thinking we dislike seeing each other which isn't the case. She's not around because she thinks I do not want to see her;I don't see her around so I thought she disliked seeing me. Things get that much more complicated and muddling when you don't sit down and clarify all the misunderstandings as we jump to our own conclusions causing miscommunication.
It's a new year, a new semester, why let the past haunt us and bring us down once more?? We've clarified everything. Those of you who follow my blog or coincidentally stumble upon the post which I blabber about the friendships that I cannot comprehend, I want you all to know that I wrote that out of rage and frustration. I didn't weigh both sides of the story well instead I just picked up the negatives . I sincerely apologize for the lack of rationality and practicality. I'm really immature, I'm extremely aware of that so, I just cannot control my thoughts when I'm upset. All that I could think of are the bad stuffs which then, beleaguered me with negative thoughts in times of distress and at that point, I couldn't take it anymore so I just blurted all that was running through my mind so as I could end it once and for all. I didn't want to burden and worry other people by bringing up the story and they'd have to comfort me and all so, I just blog about it. My blog is my personal ranting ground and I never knew they are actually people other than my Kuching close friends reading it.
For those of you who are making a big fuss over that particular post regarding friendship, that's just the negative side of the story which I heard but seriously, all that I jotted down were what I really heard back then.I'm not adding rotten condiments into it. Be aware that those I heard were rumors, and I'm sure all of you knows how thickly fabricated rumors are. I didn't bother to filter them when I blogged about it and it's presumptuous for you guys to judge us and jump into your own conclusions. I really despise it when certain people think badly of another based on hearsay. I find that really unfair. You should get to know a person before you judge what kind of a person she or he is.
Gossiping is inevitable but gossips can be made within your own close circle of friends. There's no need to pass the message around to every complex living organism especially when you do not know how true it is.
I'm only human with many flaws and I'm slowly learning to not care of what others think of me but care only about the thoughts of those who are dear to me.
Do not always believe what you hear. There's always always always two sides to every story and it's only fair that you weigh both if you're keen to intervene or else, just stay away and don't be judgmental.
Last semester is history, lesson learned, life goes on anew, want to reconcile with what I didn't back then which includes studies,eating and spending habits. Gosh, I've taken my life so lightly last semester. Forgive me, I was new to the whole living far from home thing and I am parasitically dependent on my parents..still am..hehe...
Anyway, I've voiced out everything and all that I mentioned are truly sincerely genuinely from the bottom of my heart. This is what I feel now.
I know how I like to always think negatively and ignore those good things we've been through and that gave Blackie a couple of hard times. haha...
Blackie always say that the one mistake he made can immediately overshadow the 10 nice things he did. That's true. See, I told you we tend to recall only the bad and seldom of the good.
I wish all is ok now. Could bygones really be bygones??
Labels: Bewilderness, Friends, Harshness of Life, Silly, Stupidity
